The Temporary Face Lift

I'm not one of those girlie girls. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that wrinkle their noses at the slightest of odors, asks "what's that?" before they touch it or decide to touch it.. much less wonder if they want to be in the same room as it.

It amazes me that these ladies ever manage to pluck or shave a damn thing for the "eww's and Oh.My.God's". I envision a mild scrap as a trip to the ER demanding a blood transfusion. Okay, so I'm over dramatizing... maybe, but how the hell do they do it?

I found myself resorting to plucking. Eyebrows at first... but then I said screw that shit! I'll get them waxed. Did that and was blinded by tears for a full 30 seconds but the pain wasn't that bad and the bleeding was minimal.

Then I see these hairs around my lips. Hairs that weren't there before that just appeared out of no where. One day none, one day a flock of weeds started sprouting like I had fertilizer on my freaking face! Where the hell are the tweezers? These bitches are coming out!

Did you know that not only does your eye water when you are pulling hairs from your lips but your nose runs and there might be some sneezing explosions from the face. So lets assess this situation. You have tears running down the cheeks making the path wet, you have snot running out of your nose slicking up anything below the nostrils, then an occasionally facial explosion that lubes the hand picking device and anyone within a 50 yard distance. Nope, not gonna work.

*deep resolved sigh*

With one swift swipe of the wax from that lady that asks in her sweet little accent "You want your eyebrows waxed?" and all this needless suffering is abolished. Like the acceptance of some savior in your life, you are free from your woes and trifles.

Sue Ling has now seen I have a hairy forehead and doesn't mind waxing my bushy brows to a tamable nice neat thin line of perfection, will now take my hairy lip to that sleek kissable status in no time flat!

After she does my eyebrows, I just think of all those women who go to get their eyes done for thousands of dollars. Don't they know just one trip to the waxing lady will give you that no crow look for a few hours? I'm sure she would do it daily if you wanted it.

Nice buffy eyes with perfected brows... not to mention, you look like you have applied some heavy reddish eye shadow just under your new found model-like eye brows! Simply stunning.

Now, we move on to the lip waxing. This nice warm wax is your friend. Repeat that twenty times really fast as Sue Ling rips my left lip from my face and I bite the words "youfuckingbitch!" back from my tongue because my nose is now running and my eyes are as well. I can't see her to punch her now for sure.

As the removal of my right lip occurs, I realize... I am fucking beautiful. I am a sex goddess. Kissable, winkable and eye catching.

Once I blow my nose and wipe the tears from my eyes and I receive the mirror from Sue Ling with her wish "You look pretty now." I see that my buffy eyes match my red buffy lip... however, when I smile... guess what? No laugh lines! NONE! What's a little snot and tears for a make over? Really! This was cheap compared to those over priced salons. A little foundation applied appropriately and you have the fullest, luscious "LIP" with no laugh lines for under $50.00 and within 5 minutes.

Not to mention, no hospital fees or needles in any part of my body.

I wander home with this new beautified perfection of self. Look in the mirror to enjoy the new me when... What.The.Fuck.Is.That!

My God! I'm growing a full grown beard?!?!?

My mind races through the days events and I realize that if what holds true, there's no fucking way I'm going to have my chin waxed! Before the day is through, I will look like I have a fucking double chinned reddening turkey wattle! NO way. NO freaking way.

Where are the tweezers? Screw waxing. S.O.B.'s! I'd like to kick every girlie girls butt right here and now. Bitch slap their asses. Least we'd all look alike!