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A note to Twilight fans: This is a humorous review. I do not like Twilight. I never will. I have my own opinions about the books, movies, and author just as much as you do. In other words, you may not want to read this. In addition, there will be spoilers. If you have any plans to read the books or watch the movies (save your soul) then you may also not want to read this review.
Let's begin, shall we?
Not only did she live up to my expectations of making me hate her, she exceeded them. In addition to having absolutely no personality at all, she was constantly whining about something or another, nothing could make her happy, and more. She literally is a blank slate of a character in literature, which makes it easy for anyone that picks up the book to write themselves into the story. I prefer my heroines to be a bit more independent and a lot less whiny. I also prefer them to be able to think about other things than how imperfect they are every other sentence. In fact, she constantly reminds the reader how imperfect she is throughout the whole book, that by the end of the book, it's amazing that you don't have your own sense of self-loathing for even picking up the book in the first place. Furthermore, the description of Bella matches Stephenie Meyer perfectly. I find that funny. When she begins school, she is suddenly the center of attention, which she doesn't like. Despite the constant attention she is getting from several of the guys there at the school, she still feels like a freak, feels imperfect and unworthy. I can see where the feelings of being imperfect fit in with the regular teenage lifestyle, but I have yet to meet a young teenage girl that doesn't enjoy attention from guys. Lesbians excluded.
Enter Edward Cullen and his family. Bella first sees them all in the school cafeteria, and the first thing that happens is that she launches into a review of how they are all beautiful, perfect, and graceful. She asks her not-so-friends (so far, the friends she makes are not close to her, and in the first book, never are) about them. She gets the rundown of who each one is, and then finally her eyes set on Edward. I was hoping for a staring contest, but instead, the droolfest begins. She later sees him in biology class, and although he doesn't say a word to her, Bella automatically starts feeling insignificant, and even more so when he purposely starts avoiding her. He even goes so far as to try to change his class to avoid her. Then, incidentally, he skips school for a while. When he comes back, everything is happy-go-lucky and he tries to talk to Bella. Commence the ogling that lasts for… let's say the rest of the book. And it never fails. She always returns to beating herself up in her mind even when she looks at him, saying that she “looks like an idiot” etc. What's technically going on that makes her stare so much at Edward is that he “dazzles” her a lot, without meaning to, or knowing that he's doing it. Pretty much “glamour” in other vampire lore, but for some reason, Meyer had to change the name of it to a word that reminds me of the Bedazzler kit I had as a kid.
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