Twilight: What the $#!* is Team Edward?

Danni

Excellent
Good
Average
Bad
Terrible

Published on 01-12-2010 07:00 PM Number of Views: 5828

53 Comments

Pages: BONUS: Signs that you are in an abusive relationship...

Finally, I would like to add something I thought was pretty hilarious when I looked it up. Here are a few signs that stood out to me that one should look for when you think that you are in an abusive relationship:

Do you avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
Edward doesn't like talking about how Bella wants to be a vampire. He gets angry over it.

Do you feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
Bella is constantly downing herself, saying that Edward is perfect and that she doesn't deserve him.

Do you believe you should be hurt or mistreated?
Bella would rather die than have Edward exact revenge because it's dangerous, although he is 100 times stronger than she is.

Do you wonder if you're the one who's crazy?
Although I think she is crazy, Bella constantly thinks that she is the one who is a freak, when her boyfriend is a blood-sucking, mind-reading disco ball.

Do you feel emotionally numb or helpless?
There is constantly depressing evidence from Bella's mind throughout the book. My verdict is yes.

Does your partner often blame your for their behavior?
Bella makes him go crazy, get moody, and want to kill her. It's all her fault.

Does your partner act excessively jealous or protective?
Edward doesn't like other guys around her, and although he treated Bella like crap at the beginning, said he wouldn't like it if she had started dating other people.

Does your partner keep you from seeing your friends or family?
She never has time for anyone else after Edward shows up in her life.

Does your partner hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
In the forest on their first date, Edward makes this perfectly clear that he is capable of hurting and killing her.

Does your partner have a bad and unpredictable temper?
Violent mood-swings, check.

Does your partner control where you go or what you do?
Every moment has to be spent with him. Otherwise, she ends up hurt or nearly dead.

Once again, keep in mind that this is a humorous review, and my own opinion on the book. I'll probably read the rest of them as well to be able to do a full humor review.

And remember kids… Pedobear approves of this series.

1/5 Stars (Rating system pending...)

Categories:

Books

_{Tags :

book
review
twilight}

Pages: BONUS: Signs that you are in an abusive relationship...

53 Comments

Danni - 01-12-2010

Yay, it's up!

DeSade - 01-13-2010

The fact that Edward is the epitome of an abusive partner always simultaneously amuses and irks me. Amusing because all these girls see him as the ideal mate, and irksome because...all these girls see him as the ideal mate. The fact that so many young girls see Edward as a "nice guy" is disturbing.

Though I have to admit, the combination of physical and psychological abuse is quite the aphrodisiac. He's a stalker you say? Hubba hubba.

Danni - 01-13-2010

Originally Posted by DeSade

The fact that Edward is the epitome of an abusive partner always simultaneously amuses and irks me. Amusing because all these girls see him as the ideal mate, and irksome because...all these girls see him as the ideal mate. The fact that so many young girls see Edward as a "nice guy" is disturbing.

Though I have to admit, the combination of physical and psychological abuse is quite the aphrodisiac. He's a stalker you say? Hubba hubba.

Exactly. Not to mention that Bella is a blank slate, making her easy to "write oneself" into the story.

Mary fucking Sue.

That1Guy - 01-13-2010

I just finished reading Nightlight actually. It's a parody of Twilight and the writing style and character build up is vastly superior.

dustinzgirl - 01-13-2010

My 10 year olds story on Martians was far more superior than Twilight.

Jason - 01-13-2010

Originally Posted by Danni

Yay, it's up!

That's what HE said.

Roosje5252 - 01-15-2010

You should read New Moon! It only gets worse... I'm a huge fan of the Twilight Saga, but not of Bella. I just like the psychological aspect of the books. The story is kind of irrelevant, but it makes you think about right and wrong. Maybe if you look at it that way, you might like the books better.

That1Guy - 01-15-2010

Originally Posted by Roosje5252

You should read New Moon! It only gets worse... I'm a huge fan of the Twilight Saga, but not of Bella. I just like the psychological aspect of the books. The story is kind of irrelevant, but it makes you think about right and wrong. Maybe if you look at it that way, you might like the books better.

I can get the same message out of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."

Just saying.

Danni - 01-15-2010

Originally Posted by Roosje5252

You should read New Moon! It only gets worse... I'm a huge fan of the Twilight Saga, but not of Bella. I just like the psychological aspect of the books. The story is kind of irrelevant, but it makes you think about right and wrong. Maybe if you look at it that way, you might like the books better.

I've read both Twilight and New Moon. I don't like either of the books. There's nothing much to the plot other than the "OMG Edward is hot, he's a vampire, but I'd give my life and everything for him" aspect.

Darklight - 01-15-2010

Women may say they want a sweet guy but deep down they want a guy to slap em around a bit and treat em like dirt....

lolguy - 01-16-2010

Twilight makes me laugh because it's horrible.

anotheruser - 01-16-2010

I couldn't laugh at the fact that the actor could get about 1.5 million dollars per episode.

Twilight Television Deal, British actor Robert Pattinson Signed 500-million-dollar | RateVin

Agent Trap - 01-17-2010

What the hell is this?!?! What is wrong with you?!?! Bella is a boy!!!!

Bitch - 01-17-2010

I like cheap stories. Sad, but I kind of liked the movie. It's not because Edward is like so hawt and sparkly. I really don't find him all that attractive. He's kind of creepy to me actually (his face is creepy, not his vampire-ness). Bella doesn't really bother me really, but she really isn't what interests me either. Then again, I haven't seen New Moon yet, so that opinion may change. The werewolf character also doesn't bother me but again, not my interest... I like the story. I like the scenery and the idea of the story. As far as vampires and werewolves, I got more enjoyment out of Bram Stokers: Dracula and Underworld (I always want to say Underwear, but that wouldn't be right).

dustinzgirl - 01-17-2010

Originally Posted by Roosje5252

You should read New Moon! It only gets worse... I'm a huge fan of the Twilight Saga, but not of Bella. I just like the psychological aspect of the books. The story is kind of irrelevant, but it makes you think about right and wrong. Maybe if you look at it that way, you might like the books better.

From a literary perspective, the use of grammar in every Twilight book was elementary and utter shit. Its worse than Harry Potter. I read them because my daughter read them because everyone else was reading them. Thank GOD she finally realized that, while she might like the story itself, the writing is utter shit. I gave her a highlighter pen, and even my 13 year old could find several errors in a few short paragraphs. Is this what we are teaching our youth? No wonder American teens are becoming stupified.

There is nothing in that book that makes me think about right or wrong. What it does make me think is that if some sparkling fuck was stalking my daughter and getting into her brain, I'd cut off his fucking head.

Underworld had way too much going on, watching it made my eyeballs hurt. LOL.

My daughter won't read them, but my oldes has read Bram's Dracula and White Wyrm, interesting books but hard to follow. Mandy's more into pop culture than the rest of us. Sigh. Breaks my heart.

Danni - 01-18-2010

Originally Posted by Bitch

I like cheap stories. Sad, but I kind of liked the movie. It's not because Edward is like so hawt and sparkly. I really don't find him all that attractive. He's kind of creepy to me actually (his face is creepy, not his vampire-ness). Bella doesn't really bother me really, but she really isn't what interests me either. Then again, I haven't seen New Moon yet, so that opinion may change. The werewolf character also doesn't bother me but again, not my interest... I like the story. I like the scenery and the idea of the story. As far as vampires and werewolves, I got more enjoyment out of Bram Stokers: Dracula and Underworld (I always want to say Underwear, but that wouldn't be right).

I find that a lot of Robert Pattinson's pictures make him look scruffy and unwashed.

DeSade - 01-18-2010

Originally Posted by Danni

I find that a lot of Robert Pattinson's pictures make him look scruffy and unwashed.

Some guys can pull off scruffy and unwashed. He's not one of them.

Also: The dude playing Jacob looks like the head of a five year old put on the body of a Men's Fitness model. It alienates me.

Danni - 01-18-2010

Originally Posted by DeSade

Some guys can pull off scruffy and unwashed. He's not one of them.

Also: The dude playing Jacob looks like the head of a five year old put on the body of a Men's Fitness model. It alienates me.

Not to mention that he always looks angry.

eyeknow - 01-18-2010

I have found more intellectual power in penny dreadfuls from the 1920's (despite the sexism, racism, etc); than from the series. Its a sad sad fad.

FUXjoselyn - 01-20-2010

Originally Posted by Roosje5252

You should read New Moon! It only gets worse... I'm a huge fan of the Twilight Saga, but not of Bella. I just like the psychological aspect of the books. The story is kind of irrelevant, but it makes you think about right and wrong. Maybe if you look at it that way, you might like the books better.

Well for startes New Moon Was Wonderful. The Twilight Saga is actually really Good, why dont you guys read All Of The Books, And There's A 5th Book Coming Out. Bella Swan May Seem Kind Of Boring Or Whatever Or Moody, But Shes A Character! You People Should Give It A Try.