Top 10 Expressions That Should Be Changed

1) Happy Birthday. Honestly…it’s a mile-marker. Only the elderly should be congratulated for making it another year, but only if they’re VERY old, and they’re contributing to their longevity. It’s seriously like saying “Hey, way to go falling out of your mom a number of exact Earth orbits ago.” I propose: “_th annual fell out of your mom award”.

2) How are you? If you’re not REALLY interested, don’t ask. Most of the time, we get “fine, thanks. You?” There is that chance that you’re setting yourself up, though. That’s like pretending to be concerned about your friend’s mom’s colon surgery and having to sit through the fully detailed dissertation with graphic charts. Possibly photos. I propose something much less informationally intensive: “Don’t tell me about your poop chute.”

3) Fine. Nobody is “fine”. If someone is asking how you are as a courtesy, “fine” is acceptable, but it doesn’t really explain how you are. At least not on an appreciable level. Most of the time, “fine” is how I answer when I don’t really feel like giving an answer. Something equally meaningful yet random should be inserted in its stead. I recommend basically putting a dictionary in a woodchipper and selecting a shred at random. I think: “squid” would work just fine.

4) Ladies first. I don’t think that in this day and age gender-based precedence is appropriate. Last time I checked, equal meant equal. I’ve never asked for change for a ten and got back fifteen ones. Unless I snatched them from the cashier when he wasn’t looking and/or he/she was an idiot. Not a lot I can say on this concept that won’t get me Auschwitz’d by the feminazis, but my suggestion: “BACK OF THE LINE, BITCH!”

5) Have a good one/day. This is actually more of a colloquialism than anything else. When people say this, they actually mean, “have whatever kind of day you want to have, but have it the HELL away from me.” I often respond, “well, I’m going to have one, anyway.” My suggestion: GTFO.

6) Like a broken record. Seriously? How long has it been since most of us have even SEEN a record (and by that, I DO mean the vinyl ones)? When are we going to update this expression? I’ve been waiting for “like a scratched CD” but it’s apparently hung up somewhere. Now, we might as well get to work on “like a corrupted MP3 file” or “like my iTunes left on repeat.” In any case, people who are repetitive enough to get the “broken record” remark are still annoying as hell. My suggestion: hit them.

7) Did you get a haircut? If my hair is noticeably shorter than it was the last time you saw me, yes. If not, then no. It’s like people are constantly on guard making sure their powers of observation are still intact. I have seen people ask people who walk into a building with a wet umbrella and/or are soaked if it is, indeed raining. Unless there’s an overzealous fireman outside who thinks you’re “hot”, then yes. It’s raining, moron. My suggestions: “Nice haircut.” “Worst haircut evar.” Or, my personal favorite: nothing.

8) In a nutshell. You know what’s in a nutshell? A nut. It has no logical semblance to what it means, so why was it coined in the first place? Why are we still using it? Why not use “in a nutsack.” That is closer to meaning “in its entirety”, as it’s pretty much everything to a guy. I recommend: “If you haven’t been listening up until now, and you’ve been waiting for me to make a summary statement, screw you.”

9) Rat’s ass. I’m not sure in what culture the posterior of rodents is currency, but rest assured, wherever that is, they are QUITE concerned that you will not be dispensing with the rodent posterior. As for me, I use actual money (usually my debit card, but for the sake of this rant, I’ll say “cash money” because it’s redundant and thus makes my point twice) so your frugality in this particular currency is moot. I personally don’t give a Dutch Doorknob, what you don’t give two Hershey Squirts about. Why is it that people care so much about discussing the things about which they do not care, even if it’s to simply declare that they do not care? I recommend: not saying anything if you don’t actually care.

10) Taters. For this list it’s both obligatory and appropriate. Po-ta-toes? Seriously? Alright, fine. I’ll leave this one alone, but you guys owe me one. Taters.