Badass Motherfuckers in... Mythology!

[[HOSTILE]]

That's right, the guys who didn't exist, but were still fucking awesome. No modern- mythos (i.e. superheroes, movie characters, etc)- we're talking old-school mythology. And they better not be pussies, either.

First up, a personal favorite:

Elijah. Yes, Elijah from the Bible. That big black book Christians always throw in your face but know jack shit about. I guarantee they don't know half of this:

Elijah, which I think is Spanish for "Ultimate Badass". He got his start by telling King Ahab and his wife Queen Jezebel that they were pissing off God by worshipping Baal. He automatically shows he has balls of Biblical proportions by calling out the rulers, all their priests, and any worshippers of Baal- him having zero backup. He challenges them to a sacrifice-off where he pits his God against Baal. Against 850 priests, he mocks them as they call upon their god to no avail. Elijah prays one time, in which he calls down fucking fire from Heaven to ignite his sacrifice, then makes it rain to end the famine. Just to be a total badass, he kills all 850 priests with a sword.

Since Elijah is such a badass, he goes back for more after some time living in a cave. King Ahab and Jezebel have recently acquired a vineyard via some shady means. Ahab responds to this by telling Ahab that he will loses his kingdom and that his wife Jezebel and son will be eaten by dogs. Ahab makes amends with God, but God doesn't forgive Jezebel or their son, Ahaziah.

Ahab and Jezebel's son, Ahaziah, has somehow just magically fallen and crippled himself. Ahaziah sends 3 groups of elite soldiers to get Elijah- Elijah calls down fucking fire from Heaven again to destroy two groups, and agrees to leave with the third bunch so he can talk shit to Ahaziah's face.

Once he fixes all that shit, he goes on to:

- Call out 2 bears from the woods to maul a bunch of children, simply because they made fun of him for being bald. See kids, God respects the Dome, as should you. Bald is badass.

- Raise an army of zombies. Yes, Zombies. Apparently, he did this for shits and giggles because I can't find out what he used the army for. Either way, I want to see those guys on TV do this.

- Eventually be carried into Heaven in a chariot of motherfucking fire. That's like, badass no matter what. Yeah, fuck dying- ride a goddamn fire-chariot straight through to pearly gates- butt-naked, too.

- After he ascended into heaven, his brother threw his robes down on the waters of the river Jordan, splitting the river and allowing him to cross.

In short, Elijah was the most badass mother in mythology, and if you're an atheist, you better be fucking certain. I'd hate to see some of this shit unleashed on you heathens.

[BRiT]

God - he caused so many plights.

[53V3N]

Paul Bunyan


Bunyan's birth was strange, as are the births of many mythic heroes, as it took 5 storks to carry the infant (ordinarily, one stork could carry several babies and drop them off at their parents' home). When he was old enough to clap and laugh, the vibration broke every window in the house. When he was 7 months old he sawed the legs off of his parents bed in the middle of the night. Paul and Babe dug the Grand Canyon by dragging his axe behind him, and created Mount Hood by piling rocks on top of their campfire to put it out.

He is a classic American "big man" who was popular in 19th century America. Further, the Bunyan myths sprang from lumber camp tales, sometimes bawdy ones, to put it mildly. In one such tale, extreme cold forced bears to look for food; one wandered into a lumber camp. It chased the lumberjacks up a tree on which they had a ladder. To keep the bear from climbing after them (despite the fact that bears do not need ladders to climb trees), they kicked down the ladder. This saved them from the bear, but trapped them in the tree. To escape, the lumberjacks urinated in unison and created a frozen pole, which they slid down. Such tall tales, though later watered down, were attributed to a single character, Bunyan, and became the stories known today.




What's next? Badass Motherfuckers born on a Thursday?

[ready_aim_rock]

Theseus

Too badass for a link, Theseus is considered the mythological equivalent of Batman. Where Heracles had extraordinary strength, and Achilles was indestructible save the heel, Theseus was blessed with absolutely nothing. Using his own wits and prowess, he subdued numerous bandits on the road to Thebes, and took down the minotaur of Crete with its own horn. You don't get more badass than strangling a 12 foot tall half-man half-bull, breaking off its horn, and running it through with it.

[Hooks_Pet_Otter]

Originally Posted by [HOSTILE]

That's right, the guys who didn't exist, but were still fucking awesome. No modern- mythos (i.e. superheroes, movie characters, etc)- we're talking old-school mythology. And they better not be pussies, either.

First up, a personal favorite:

Elijah. Yes, Elijah from the Bible. That big black book Christians always throw in your face but know jack shit about. I guarantee they don't know half of this:

Elijah, which I think is Spanish for "Ultimate Badass". He got his start by telling King Ahab and his wife Queen Jezebel that they were pissing off God by worshipping Baal. He automatically shows he has balls of Biblical proportions by calling out the rulers, all their priests, and any worshippers of Baal- him having zero backup. He challenges them to a sacrifice-off where he pits his God against Baal. Against 850 priests, he mocks them as they call upon their god to no avail. Elijah prays one time, in which he calls down fucking fire from Heaven to ignite his sacrifice, then makes it rain to end the famine. Just to be a total badass, he kills all 850 priests with a sword.

Since Elijah is such a badass, he goes back for more after some time living in a cave. King Ahab and Jezebel have recently acquired a vineyard via some shady means. Ahab responds to this by telling Ahab that he will loses his kingdom and that his wife Jezebel and son will be eaten by dogs. Ahab makes amends with God, but God doesn't forgive Jezebel or their son, Ahaziah.

Ahab and Jezebel's son, Ahaziah, has somehow just magically fallen and crippled himself. Ahaziah sends 3 groups of elite soldiers to get Elijah- Elijah calls down fucking fire from Heaven again to destroy two groups, and agrees to leave with the third bunch so he can talk shit to Ahaziah's face.

Once he fixes all that shit, he goes on to:

- Call out 2 bears from the woods to maul a bunch of children, simply because they made fun of him for being bald. See kids, God respects the Dome, as should you. Bald is badass.

- Raise an army of zombies. Yes, Zombies. Apparently, he did this for shits and giggles because I can't find out what he used the army for. Either way, I want to see those guys on TV do this.

- Eventually be carried into Heaven in a chariot of motherfucking fire. That's like, badass no matter what. Yeah, fuck dying- ride a goddamn fire-chariot straight through to pearly gates- butt-naked, too.

- After he ascended into heaven, his brother threw his robes down on the waters of the river Jordan, splitting the river and allowing him to cross.

In short, Elijah was the most badass mother in mythology, and if you're an atheist, you better be fucking certain. I'd hate to see some of this shit unleashed on you heathens.

That's because Christians rarely bother with the Torah stories unless they want to pick and choose passages in which to defend their hate against gays and others.

Elijah is a Jewish story and it's not considered a myth. But if we are going to use Biblical characters as mythic badasses, I still think Moses is the biggest badass of them all. Queen Esther of Persia is another one.

[[HOSTILE]]

Originally Posted by Hooks_Pet_Otter

That's because Christians rarely bother with the Torah stories unless they want to pick and choose passages in which to defend their hate against gays and others.

Torah stories have the wickedest shit in them! Back when God was a real hardass!

Originally Posted by Hooks_Pet_Otter

Elijah is a Jewish story and it's not considered a myth.

If you can't prove it's historically accurate, it is. If it wasn't a myth, we'd be teaching it in school. I respect your beliefs, but you understand.

[Hooks_Pet_Otter]

Originally Posted by [HOSTILE]

Torah stories have the wickedest shit in them! Back when God was a real hardass!



If you can't prove it's historically accurate, it is. If it wasn't a myth, we'd be teaching it in school. I respect your beliefs, but you understand.

Actually there's a lot in school that is taught that is considered fact even though there is little proof of their factualism. For example, almost everything we know about ancient Egypt is little more than educated presumption based on records(heiroglyphics and tomb drawings). However, the Bible and the Dead Sea scrolls are also records of the time in that part of the area and they seem to match up on many events. For example, the Pharoah having all the first born Jewish males killed because of a prophecy. Not only does the Torah address this but so do ancient Egyptian writings. Now whethor the ten plagues actually happened is another story and one has to rely on faith for that but history agrees that at some point there was a guy named Moses who was able to convince Ramses to free the Jewish slaves.

The reality is is that the only people who know what actually went on in this world 5,000 years ago are dead and we can only rely on the sources we have now.

[53V3N]

This badass motherfucker visits every house on Earth in just one night.

[Hooks_Pet_Otter]

Originally Posted by 53V3N

This badass motherfucker visits every house on Earth in just one night.

I second this!

[dull_bullet]

Zeus.

He's fucking Zeus.

[[HOSTILE]]

Originally Posted by Hooks_Pet_Otter

Actually there's a lot in school that is taught that is considered fact even though there is little proof of their factualism. For example, almost everything we know about ancient Egypt is little more than educated presumption based on records(heiroglyphics and tomb drawings). However, the Bible and the Dead Sea scrolls are also records of the time in that part of the area and they seem to match up on many events. For example, the Pharoah having all the first born Jewish males killed because of a prophecy. Not only does the Torah address this but so do ancient Egyptian writings. Now whethor the ten plagues actually happened is another story and one has to rely on faith for that but history agrees that at some point there was a guy named Moses who was able to convince Ramses to free the Jewish slaves.

The reality is is that the only people who know what actually went on in this world 5,000 years ago are dead and we can only rely on the sources we have now.

I see your point, but I wanted to do Jesus, and I have to be fair. Claiming Jesus as a person in history tends to get feathers ruffled. Christians/Jews/Muslims are always in upheaval-so they're used to having their appropriate characters called mythological.

Jesus

What most people don't realize about Jesus is that he was actually a badass, but a chill dude at the same time. Jesus helped lots of people out, and didn't ask for anything in return.

What most people don't realize about Jesus is that if he was around today, he'd probably be more like a rock star and less like the normal Christian pansies you see these days. Jesus thought most people had a good streak, and he openly associated with "lesser people", which marked him as a shady individual.

Jesus walked the earth knowing he was going to die for a bunch of shit he didn't do. And he still kept a good attitude. I can't stand to get yelled at for something I didn't do, and I'll be damned if you nail me to a cross for it.

Jesus patrolled the land with 12 dudes, and routinely came into contact with both enemy forces and civilians. He found the demon called Legion, and cast him into some pigs, which ran into the sea and died. When he saw people in the church scamming folks out of money, he grabbed a rope and whooped everybody's ass. On one occasion, he was sleeping during a massive seastorm. When the disciples woke him up, he told the storm to "shut the fuck up", and went back to sleep. Jesus' robe could cure sick people, but my running shorts can make them sick.

When Jesus was finally betrayed by the greedy asshole Judas, he was cool about it. While nailed to the cross, he demanded water and refused a narcotic drink. He was beaten routinely, urinated on, his beard plucked, and a crown of thorns placed on his head. He wasn't a wuss about it, and took that shit like it was cool.

In the long run, Jesus was a cool dude. Most people don't realize this, but he had a badass streak.

Jesus, for you I drink... well, something...